Taking the Time to Look, Listen, and Learn

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Working Mom

After working full-time for 11 years before staying home with a baby, I struggled with being a stay-at-home mom. I struggled with my lack of accomplishments, my lack of control over my day, my lack of kudos from colleagues or supervisors. It took three years before I felt like I got into a groove--some very part-time work, a little pre-school for the kids, a few structured activities for me.

Even so, I sometimes lust after a little more work outside the home. It is nice to have that sense of independence and stimulation. Nice to feel like I am adding some money to the family (though I love what a mentor told me--"there are two ways to add money in a family, income and SAVINGS." I am saving by being at home). But I confess, part of it for me is the desire to be recognized and valued as a smart, creative thinker. As wonderful and encouraging and appreciative as our husbands may be, they are related to us and love us and have to support us. It's nice to have someone not related to you pat you on the back. Is this a weakness? How do we combat this need?

Right now, I do not desire to work full-time while my children are so little. But I would if I needed to. When I have worked in the past five years, I have been committed to only doing what would help my family AND not harm my family. For me, that means, I cannot agree to do something that is putting stress on our family. That is one thing I don't miss about full-time job.... stress.

I have liked a verse in Psalm 90:17 this week: "Establish the work of our hands for us--yes, establish the work of our hands." This has been a prayer for me this week as I wonder about my work.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Feeling Frumpy

I went to Parents Night last week. While I did pay attention to the content of the evening, I also paid attention to the parents attending--mainly the moms. I can't help but look around and see who these moms are, who will be room mother, who will be raising money for the school, who will be helping with the class Valentine's Party.

If I am honest, this examination of my peers is not all about the business of school. I am also wondering which moms might become friends, whose children might be my children's friends.

And the ugly truth is I am also checking out their appearances: She is so skinny! Look at that amazing outfit! How can she walk in those super high spiky heels?

My insecurities about my own appearance--weight, hastily put-together outfit (because I was worried my original plan made me look pregnant), flats (because I had to have closed-toe shoes since my pedicure wasn't current)--made me focus on the appearance of others. And feel envy.

Imagine my surprise when I read the next morning in Psalm 73:
" I envied [them]... when I saw the prosperity...
They have no struggles; their bodies are healthy and strong.
They are free from the burdens common to man;
they are not plagued by human ills" (73:3-5).

I almost laughed out loud to see the Psalmist moaning about his comparisons with others--"They don't even have human problems!"

He spends most of the Psalm in a comparison with others until verse 17, when he says,
"till I entered the sanctuary of God; then I understood...."

After Parents Night, I needed to get back to the sanctuary. Every day, I need to get back to the sanctuary.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Music Meditation

A friend emailed me a link to a song. She sent it days ago--a musical version of Psalm 23--but I just now clicked it. I saw that it was over 4 minutes long, and at first thought, "Oh. This is too long." But then I decided to close my eyes and listen.

I wished it lasted longer. It was beautiful, starting simply with instruments, then one female voice, then building to two additional voices, both male. The intertwining of harmony and melody, the crescendo and decrescendo, the words. The Word.

I love music. When I think of how much of my life before children was spent listening to music and singing and playing, I am a little ashamed at the smallness of music in my life right now.

Music right now is children's CDs in the car. That is bonding.
Music right now is singing children to sleep. That is sweet.
Music right now is singing in church. That is grand.

But I am so thankful for a friend who nudged me to take 4 minutes to listen to music by myself again. To close my eyes and drink in the song.