Working Mom

After working full-time for 11 years before staying home with a baby, I struggled with being a stay-at-home mom. I struggled with my lack of accomplishments, my lack of control over my day, my lack of kudos from colleagues or supervisors. It took three years before I felt like I got into a groove--some very part-time work, a little pre-school for the kids, a few structured activities for me.

Even so, I sometimes lust after a little more work outside the home. It is nice to have that sense of independence and stimulation. Nice to feel like I am adding some money to the family (though I love what a mentor told me--"there are two ways to add money in a family, income and SAVINGS." I am saving by being at home). But I confess, part of it for me is the desire to be recognized and valued as a smart, creative thinker. As wonderful and encouraging and appreciative as our husbands may be, they are related to us and love us and have to support us. It's nice to have someone not related to you pat you on the back. Is this a weakness? How do we combat this need?

Right now, I do not desire to work full-time while my children are so little. But I would if I needed to. When I have worked in the past five years, I have been committed to only doing what would help my family AND not harm my family. For me, that means, I cannot agree to do something that is putting stress on our family. That is one thing I don't miss about full-time job.... stress.

I have liked a verse in Psalm 90:17 this week: "Establish the work of our hands for us--yes, establish the work of our hands." This has been a prayer for me this week as I wonder about my work.

Feeling Frumpy

I went to Parents Night last week. While I did pay attention to the content of the evening, I also paid attention to the parents attending--mainly the moms. I can't help but look around and see who these moms are, who will be room mother, who will be raising money for the school, who will be helping with the class Valentine's Party.

If I am honest, this examination of my peers is not all about the business of school. I am also wondering which moms might become friends, whose children might be my children's friends.

And the ugly truth is I am also checking out their appearances: She is so skinny! Look at that amazing outfit! How can she walk in those super high spiky heels?

My insecurities about my own appearance--weight, hastily put-together outfit (because I was worried my original plan made me look pregnant), flats (because I had to have closed-toe shoes since my pedicure wasn't current)--made me focus on the appearance of others. And feel envy.

Imagine my surprise when I read the next morning in Psalm 73:
" I envied [them]... when I saw the prosperity...
They have no struggles; their bodies are healthy and strong.
They are free from the burdens common to man;
they are not plagued by human ills" (73:3-5).

I almost laughed out loud to see the Psalmist moaning about his comparisons with others--"They don't even have human problems!"

He spends most of the Psalm in a comparison with others until verse 17, when he says,
"till I entered the sanctuary of God; then I understood...."

After Parents Night, I needed to get back to the sanctuary. Every day, I need to get back to the sanctuary.

Music Meditation

A friend emailed me a link to a song. She sent it days ago--a musical version of Psalm 23--but I just now clicked it. I saw that it was over 4 minutes long, and at first thought, "Oh. This is too long." But then I decided to close my eyes and listen.

I wished it lasted longer. It was beautiful, starting simply with instruments, then one female voice, then building to two additional voices, both male. The intertwining of harmony and melody, the crescendo and decrescendo, the words. The Word.

I love music. When I think of how much of my life before children was spent listening to music and singing and playing, I am a little ashamed at the smallness of music in my life right now.

Music right now is children's CDs in the car. That is bonding.
Music right now is singing children to sleep. That is sweet.
Music right now is singing in church. That is grand.

But I am so thankful for a friend who nudged me to take 4 minutes to listen to music by myself again. To close my eyes and drink in the song.

What a Difference the Weather Makes

Last summer I was in a bad mood. I was hot, sweaty, and exhausted most of the time. The record heat and draught did not help my pregnant body, and by the way, how do you entertain a 2 and 4-year-old with little-to-no outdoor time in summer? We went from pool to pool and from airconditioned playroom to airconditioned playroom.

This summer has been a different story. This morning, we met friends at the park and couldn't get over how pleasant it was--not only to be with friends, but to be outside at the end of July in South Texas! It didn't hit 90 until after lunch. I felt like it was April or October. Lovely.

We've also had some fabulous rainstorms--power outage, cracking thunder, real rainstorms. I love the coziness. My kids and I have "rainy day reading" which is much more about cozy pillows and popcorn than about reading (but I'm hoping as they get older, they'll focus more on the reading part).

Perhaps I'm also enjoying this summer more because I'm not pregnant. Perhaps it's because I've been in this town three years instead of two--more settled. Perhaps it's because I made a point of being slightly more proactive before summer started as to how we'd get through the long days and lack of structure.

And perhaps I'm just in a good mood today as I write this. I see blue skies out the window, sun through the leaves. And I remember the hint of a breeze from the park this morning--in late July. That's enough to make anyone smile.

Small Sacrifice

One part of Sunday's church sermon talked about the meaning of fasting, giving something up (food, for example) for a time in order to focus on God. Whenever you desire the thing you have sacrificed, you would have the opportunity to pray, read scripture, lean on the Lord for strength.

I have been thinking lately about how I know nothing about sacrifice. If I want something, for the most part, I get it. If I want to eat, I do. If I want to get my nails done, I do.

I am not talking about the big things--wanting a new house or a trip to Europe. I'm talking about little daily sacrifices, a chance to trust God in the little things, not just the big things. Could I do a week's fast from snacking? From soft drinks? From shopping (or online browsing)?

What is it about our culture that is counter-sacrifice? How can we support each other in delayed gratification and teach that to our children?

Needing Space

When my daughter was barely talking, she would yell, "I need pace!" She needed space from her older brother who was crowding her, poking her, pushing her, leaning on her.

In the kitchen just now--trying to get dinner under control while two little kids, a humongous dog, and a husband were weaving in and around me--I said, "I need space!"

Sweet husband grilled the meat. I put the green beans in the oven and boiled water for the corn. Tired children are watching The Berenstain Bears. Shhhh.... don't tell anyone what I'm doing. I have a little space.

I'm wondering why I don't create little spaces more often. I'm wondering why when I have a tiny bit of quiet, I don't use it more productively.

Five Minutes

Five minutes. That may be all I have until 8 p.m. or so. If I were honest, I don't really have it right now. It's not like I don't have laundry to do (some of the beds aren't even made, and it's 5 p.m.). But I have dinner under control, the baby hasn't woken up, the big kids are playing, and I just wrote a thank-you note. I feel like I can take five minutes to reflect.

It's funny how the mornings start out so full of hope and ambition. My mental "to do" list is strong, and even when I write it out, I am only slightly deterred by the length. I feel good, ready, like I can do it. I envision the end of the day: the closets are finally completely cleaned out and organized (my husband asked a couple of days ago "what it would take" to get rid of the bags of Goodwill clothes in the hallway....Hmmm... a miracle?), I have done at least one load of laundry, the kitchen is clean and dinner is ready, I've addressed my 4-year-old's birthday invitations and put them in the mail, made a meal plan and grocery list for the week (I go to the store on Tuesdays and Fridays), I've showered and look cute.

Well, let me reflect...I did address the invitations (with the help of my secretary, my 3-year-old), I did make one bed (mine), I did clean the kitchen (but it's not that clean now), I did make the meal plan and grocery list. I have not taken a shower (but have semi-makeup on), the closets are still bulging, the bags for Goodwill are still in the hallway, I have not done laundry (but surely I can still do that before I go to bed).

But two fun things I did...a long walk with my friend and our babies in strollers. It was in the low 60s outside in late April! Loved it. I also went to the knitting store to get help on two projects on which I'd made a few mistakes. I always love going to the knitting store. I might write about that tomorrow.